Warning: personal rant about my most recent relationship.
I keep my heart closely guarded, as I have been hurt a lot in the past.
I approached you with caution, as I knew you had a dark past. But my close friend said nothing but good things about you, how stable you were in your sobriety, how you usually go on and on and say sexual things about most girls but about me, instead you were all giddy…ranting about how beautiful i looked in all black, and how my eyes, all done up with a smokey eye, were all that you could stare at.
You intimidated me because I can usually read people like a book. But you I could not read.
Still, I gave you a chance because there was just something that drew me to you. You were well spoken, well dressed, smart, came from a wealthy family, and older than me.
The beginning was just fine, you described me as “smart, interesting, talented, and beautiful.” But you do not know the real me, you just see a pretty face and fashionable clothes. You don’t know the Jessica that doesn’t always like to wear makeup, the Jessica that even though she has a lingerie chest full of hundreds of bras and panties she would rather go bra less and commando. The Jessica who likes to lay down in the grass at the park, kick off her designer shoes, and not give a fuck when she gets grass in her hair.
Instead you saw a classical cellist in fancy clothes and designer heels, visible ink showing as well. But that’s okay that you don’t realize that I’m a free spirit.
Stable in your sobriety. Yeah, until you secretly started sneaking drinks at parties and any occasion you got because you couldn’t do your drug of choice.
That is when I had to raise my walls that I was starting to lower for you. i suspected that you were sleeping around behind my back.
About a month later it was confirmed that you had slept with two girls behind my back. Hurt, I told you off and ended it. But what did you care? You were now free to go back off into the world and do your drugs of choice.
A week ago you tried to see me again.
Three days ago you started doing benzo’s again. Knowing I get prescribed klonopin, you asked to buy some off of me. I firmly said no.
Last night you injected heroin and over dosed.
Stable in your sobriety, clearly not.
And that is why i never completely let you into my life.
I don’t trust ice. I will never trust ice, I will never trust a thing.